


Attack on Potato

by Alien_ships



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Drag Queens, Food, Handsome Men Wearing Suits, How difficult life is for short people, Knitting, Multi, Potatoes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-08-02 06:16:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16299686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alien_ships/pseuds/Alien_ships
Summary: Eren never knew a certain trip to the supermarket would cost him his sanity. But also, he did not expect to find his perfect man when looking for corn.He got ignored but he wasn’t a type to give up easily. He would do everything he could to find the mysterious man or ‘the canned imp’ as his friends started to call him.A story full of food, desperate salarymen, drag queens, potatoes and more potatoes. Later on, some horses.(Oh, and ‘Attack on Potato’ is a bar owned by Sasha and Connie.)





	1. Cans and jars

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so this fic is something I've been planning for a long time. Like really long. I hope it turned out well. 
> 
> Special thanks to my lovely kouhai who took time explaining how difficult life is for short people! She is the official hight consultant for this fic!

Choosing which brand of canned goods he should buy was always hard and particularly complex dilemma for Eren.

Not too long ago he was one of these starving students who are always cautious when it came down to buying food. Especially since then he could barely afford the cheapest brands for a long time. His father had decided to suddenly cut him off when he was twenty and he was forced to pay for college and expenses all by himself. It wasn’t exactly easy.

But now, he actually had a job that paid quite well so he could afford any corn he wanted. But was it really worth it? Was this expensive corn really better from the cheap one?

He thoroughly judged two cans in his hands. No matter how hard he tried he could see no difference at all, except for the color of the etiquette and the brand name. While he still hasn’t grown to appreciate the value of food brands, he knew well that price should be appreciated. After several more seconds of staring, he sighed and decided on the cheaper one and placed it in his cart. At least he knew that this one wasn’t bad since he’s had it so many times before.

He was about to retreat and go on with his shopping when something captured his attention. There was a short guy with undercut who was trying to get a can of peas from the upper shelf. He was reaching out for it but couldn’t grab it because of his height.

When he stretched out, his jacket went up and Eren gasped. That was the most perfect ass.

Never in his life, had he ever felt so gay. He was shamelessly ogling a random guy’s ass in a supermarket. But he couldn’t help himself. This ass was mesmerizing.

He stooped so low. That was what his long, pretty much single life has brought him. He was the creep in the supermarket, glaring at people’s asses. He almost wished Mikasa was here so she could punch him for that.

Guy let out a resigned sigh and looked around. Eren was struck again. This guy was unbelievably handsome. Not exactly the pretty boy type, rather than that an adult man with sharp features and focused determined glare. Eren knew at this moment that he would be dreaming about this face for weeks. It was like the embodiment of his fantasies and everything he found attractive in a man.

 If he could, Eren would cover all his room in posters, he would make it his screensaver he would... He really hoped this guy was famous because he needed those pictures asap. Maybe just take out the phone and snap a few? What was the point of keeping himself in check if probably it was the only time he would meet this man?

Right. It was his only shot to actually meet him.

It was almost too late when Eren noticed the opportunity to talk to the man and play a knight in a shining armor. Well, his armor wasn’t exactly shiny because he was wearing a dark sweater but who cared for such small details. He toyed with the idea of opening the conversation with a cheap pick up line but then decided that it would be too dangerous. It would be better to approach politely.

“Hi, I couldn’t help noticing... uhm... which peas do you want?” he asked offering his help.

Man send him a murderous glare. His eyes were cold and silver. Suddenly Eren believed that even though he was short that man could easily beat him to death. And it would be hot.

“Tch.”

It sounded like he wanted to tell Eren to burn in hell’s deepest pit but, in the end, decided that Eren wasn’t even worth the effort.

He watched as the devil imp with hot ass, without sparing Eren another glance, walked to a particularly big and heavy box full with jars of pickles. He lifted it like it was nothing. Eren’s jaw dropped. Even Reiner would have trouble lifting this and he liked carrying around his giant boyfriend Bertholt like a princess. Hell, he once lifted Bert when Bert was sitting on a couch. With a couch. But that box looked like it weighted more than Bert and the couch.

Eren stopped thinking about Bert and Reiner because he was too focused on glaring at the guy's moving muscles. Wow. Just wow. Suddenly, he remembered why his high hopes when he got his gym membership and how after few tries he stopped using it because none of the men there turned out to be half as hot as those from his fantasies. Or the one right in front of him.

Man carefully judged the box in his arms but in the end he deemed it too fragile and put it back on the ground. Without looking at Eren, he walked past him, straight to the shelf. He quickly climbed a few shelves up, with an exceptional agility. Eren’s jaw dropped open. That man was better like a Spiderman with better muscles. And he could see them since climbing demanded various parts of his body to move. He could see the tension in man’s legs, his stretching back, and above all, his buttocks. Eren doubted he would ever be able to erase this image.

The strange man grabbed his peas and ass soon as he did, he dropped to the ground. He landed softly, seemed to had a lot of practice. Then he reached for his basket and left, leaving shocked Eren behind, not even looking at him once again.

 And Eren was fucked because it was the hottest thing he has ever seen.

Was he a masochist? God, he hoped not.

Was he the ‘notice me senpai girl’ now? Obsessed by a man who barely noticed his existence? Not at all, at least she could stalk senpai and could always find him. And the guy disappeared leaving no hope to find him again.

As soon as he realized that, he ran into the next alley, chasing after him. He saw a couple groping each other and some kids looking for ice cream in the next alley. No hot god of canned goods.

He was so screwed.

 

***

 

Attack on Potato was a strange place. Sasha and Connie opened it when they decided to drop out of college, get married and devote themselves to food.

It was serving potatoes. All day long. Even at night, when students from nearby college came in for a beer, it was serving fries and potato chips to go with it. And of course, vodka made of potatoes was always recommended.

The restaurant-bar was usually crowded. Sasha and Connie started out small but thanks to their low prices and good food quality people just kept coming. Now they had a dozen employees and fresh bags of potatoes arriving every morning. And a complaining friend who liked to keep them company in the evening when most of the work was at the bar and they could get a little lazy in the kitchen.

Now was a night like that. Sasha was finishing up on her famous potato casserole that one table ordered but Connie was just playing on his phone when Eren was searching things on his laptop and complaining.

“I can’t find him! What other jobs can short but handsome, strong men have? I need to find him, guys!”

“And marry him, ” added Connie.

“You just want to the Shrek thing with my wedding cake because I did it with yours.”

“You went too far, man. You pushed the little edible me into the cake so hard that my head was below little Sasha’s waste. Like seriously. That was fucked up.”

“So? Any ideas?”

“Model, ” suggested Sasha.

“Too short.”

“Actor.”

“No, he would be a star already.”

“Mafia!” Connie proposed cheerfully.

Eren opened his mouth to protest but couldn’t think of anything to say. It could be. He was strong. Threatening. And badass. With a particularly perfect ass.

“Oh no! But if he’s in mafia I won’t find any pictures on the internet unless they arrest him!” Eren finally screamed in panic.

“Dude, ” Conny rolled his eyes. “ You realize that probably he’s not really mafia?”

“But he kind of looked like a rich thug...”

“I know!” Sasha exclaimed. “You could scroll through every recipe on the internet containing peas and check if he commented on any of them!”

“Honey, I love you but...” Connie couldn’t bring up the courage to call his wife idea stupid and kind of insane.

But Eren was already googling pea recipes. He scrolled through first few. Recipe number nine seemed to be really good. Golden chicken with vegetables and peas... It looked so delicious on the picture... Suddenly Eren felt like he desperately needed a second diner or he was going to die. He turned laptop to face Connie.

“I order this chicken with potatoes.”

“Coming right up!”

“Buttercup! I want food too!”  Sasha begged her husband.

It was going to be Sasha’s third diner but Eren knew that Connie loved her either way.

He started reading the recipe out-loud so Connie would know what to do. When he reached the end he froze.

There was a familiar face in the comment section.

“Oh my god. Oh my god.”

“Eren?! What happened?”

“Don’t die on us! Not before dinner!” Sasha yelled.

“Someone dear to me made this for us to eat together tonight,” Eren started reading the comment aloud in a dead voice. “He changed few spices and kept complaining that the if you used proposed amount out water it would be a soup, not a sauce. But in the end, the chicken turned out to be amazing. It was truly wonderful and special night and I have this recipe to thank for it.”

“And? What’s weird about it?”

“Yeah, Eren! Are you telling us it’s weird because a guy cooked for a girl? How could you, Eren?! After so many years of friendship and me willing to make you this chicken!” Connie argued.

“Guys. It wasn’t a girl. It was my boss’s boss. The whole department’s boss. The Captain America Boss.”

“Oh. The young and handsome with awesome homemade lunches”  Sasha said knowingly.

It was perfectly normal for Sasha to judge people depending on what they ate and if they were willing to share.

“He has a boyfriend who makes him lunches almost every day and made him this chicken. I want to have a boyfriend that makes me lunches and this chicken. But somehow I have a feeling that the canned man would sooner kill me than make me lunch...”

“Wrong target, bro, ” said Connie knowingly. “You can’t have both.”

“What do I do?! Now I won’t be able to look my boss in the eyes because I will be thinking about this chicken! And I will never find the canned imp! And if I ever do, he will just kick me in the balls for stalking him!”

“Eren!” Sasha hit him with a spoon. “Don’t complain about the balls! This is exactly what your perfect boyfriend would do!”

“Right!” Connie joined in. “Exactly! We didn’t put up with hours of you blabbing about how your perfect man doesn’t exist just so you change your mind and when he turns out to be real you dare to complain!”

Eren gasped, very moved.

“Guys! You actually paid attention when I was talking about my perfect boyfriend.”

“It’s not hard, you complain about men every time you get drunk. And at least once a month while sober” said Sasha. “You want an older man...”

“... But not too old, ” continued Conny. “ He has to be hot in a manly way, not shitting perfume like Legolas. But he can be a little cute too, you won’t complain.”

“You want him strong. In body and mind. Because it turns you on.”

“And determined. Going straight for the things he wants.”

“Can be a little rough and asshole-ish but has to turn out to be good and carrying in the long run.”

“Basically when you are growing up you were too close too your mom and now you want a bad boy with a tender heart from her favorite romance books. Which aren’t real. At all. But you want that boy to be real quite badly.”

“Bro. You looked for a quite long time. Good luck, maybe this one will be close enough.”

Eren took a deep breath. And thought about the man from the supermarket. Raven hair and icy stare. The way his muscled legs and arms worked when he lifted that box. And that ass.

“You two are right. I will find him. I will stalk him. And I will find every picture I can and then I will stick them to my room walls. Every single picture. I will get them.”

Connie patted his shoulder.

“Don’t worry, we’ll all send you presents to prison when he finds out.”

 

***

 

Luck didn’t help. He tried many things. Googling. Going through forums, blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Nothing. He even called Bertholt and asked him to hack the security and the supermarket. He was terrified but Eren convinced him that it was needed. He hoped that he would see the man leave, perhaps get his car license number and then he would ask Reiner who maybe would abuse his position as a deputy to find out the name.

But. The mysterious man apparently didn’t drive to the supermarket. He walked.

Which left Eren with one option: creeping around the neighborhood any chance he got.

A few days later, he almost caught a cold. Then neighbor kids started calling him a creepy guy. After some time he had to stop because he had a very strange encounter with his boss’s boss, Erwin Smith, also known as the Captain America Boss. Who was carrying a beautiful and sparkly dress in a transparent bag, freshly picked up from dry cleaners. Eren was confused.

“Eren! Nice to see you.”

“Oh. Hello, Mr. Smith.”

Eren prayed that none of the kids would come now because he liked his job and being called a creep by a kid wasn’t exactly something he would want to happen in front of his boss.

“I told you to call me Erwin, Eren” encouraged Captain America with a broad smile.

He sounded strangely serious. Somehow he was both nice and terrifying.

“Right. Sir. Erwin.”

“So...What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I live nearby. I wanted to go for a walk and somehow...”

“So we are practically neighbors! Tell me Eren, do you have a dog?”

“Sorry. No, sir.”

“That’s a pity. I hoped we could walk them together but that can’t be helped. Walking dogs in a good company is a splendid activity.”

Eren was still looking at the dress. Since this conversation started he tried not to but It was really flashy. It was just drawing his attention, however hard he tried not to notice it.

“By the way, that’s a really nice dress, Erwin” he commented before he thought it through.

“Oh, thank you! It’s my... girlfriend’s.”

“I thought you had a boyfriend!” said Eren in shock.

Erwin was taken aback. Eren felt his cheeks blush with the embarrassment. How could he come up with a legitimate reason to cover up his internet stalking?

“You know I have a boyfriend? How? What else do you know?”

Suddenly Erwin didn’t sound so friendly. Eren quickly had to think of something.

“When the crazy scientist, I mean, Mrs. Zoe from R&D department came over for a lunch with you she yelled something. But I didn’t tell anyone! I swear!”

Erwin nodded. Eren could tell that Erwin was really tense right now but was determined not to show it.

“Good. This dress is for... my boyfriend’s sister. We’re attending a... gala together. She will be glad you liked it.”

Eren knew well that there was no gala. And probably no sister. He had no idea what was going on but when he opened his mouth to speak again just looking at Erwin’s stern eyes made him realize that didn’t want to find out at all, preferably never.

“Of course. Sir. I wish you a pleasant gala.”

“Thank you, Eren. That’s very thoughtful of you.”

Eren didn’t creep around the neighborhood anymore after that incident. He decided it was not safe. Especially since apparently Erwin lived very close to the supermarket, in the same area he saw the canned imp going towards in the security cameras, right in the center of his search zone.

He needed a new plan.


	2. Lunchbox of Happiness

A whole week without a new plan caused Eren to gradually lose the last of his hope. But he just couldn’t think of a way to find the canned imp, let alone convince him to go out on a date. In this situation, he kind of did look like an obsessive stalker so his chances of success even if they would meet again were pretty low.

And what was worse, the canned imp probably didn’t even remember him at all. After all, who the hell remembers a random guy from a supermarket?

He should just concentrate on work. Maybe then he won’t think about what could possibly be the love of his life. Possibly. Just possibly.

He blamed his parents. Because there was no other reason than love that could make a girl like his mom go out with a guy like his dad since he wasn’t rich at all when they started dating. It was their fault Eren grew up believing in the power of love. And that led him straight to where he was now: alone at age of twenty-four, almost twenty-five, trying to track down a man who glared at him once.

He hated how low he had fallen.

It was high time to stop. Give up and move on. Maybe lower his expectations towards men. Or just focus on work for a time being to become someone more respected.

He stood up and went to office kitchen to refill his coffee. If he was going to really work, he needed a new one.

But then,  he noticed something unusual by the elevators.

There was someone. Who wasn’t wearing a suit like the rest of the office but a winter coat suitable for the weather since it was almost December already.

It was someone he has seen before. Someone he recognized immediately without any doubt.

The canned imp was standing there, looking as handsome as Eren remembered, maybe a little bit more annoyed and grumpy.

Eren almost dropped his mug. The devilish imp was looking at him. Eren’s heart was beating fast. He felt his cheeks go red. How on Earth was he here? What should Eren say? He prepared thousands possible greeting but suddenly couldn’t come up with anything.

“Oi. You, brat, do you know who Erwin Smith is?”

His voice was just like Eren imagined in his most crazy fantasies. He knew he would be dreaming of this voice. Oh, no. He was falling for this guy even more? Oh, God. He was so screwed.

And of course, he had to screw it up more with his pride.

“Yes,” he said. “But I’m not a brat, you know. It’s really rude to treat people you just met like that,” he added without thinking.

“Geez, stop whining. That blond idiot forgot his lunch and now is in the meeting so pass him the box. Thanks.”

He tossed Eren a lunchbox. It all felt like a slap in the face. He never thought it was possible. Not only the canned imp did not remember him. He was the person who made Erwin’s food every day. He was Erwin’s mysterious boyfriend.

Eren felt his heart break in million pieces. His crush was completely without hope.

And before he could pick up what was left of him to at least talk to the man, make him stay a little bit longer, he was already stepping inside the elevator.

And then he was gone from his life. Once again.

But this time he left a trace that made it possible for Eren to find him again. Erwin Smith. There was still a small chance that they weren’t together and Eren decided to root for it.

 

***

 

They were together.

When the meeting of the board finished, he went to Erwin’s spacious office to give him the lunch. Erwin’s secretary, Petra, gave him a strange look when she saw the box he was carrying and it wasn’t exactly reassuring.

When he entered, Captain America stood up to greet him warmly.

“Eren! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Your… friend was here before, he asked me to give you this”

He stretched out the hand holding the lunch box. Erwin looked confused and after first shock came through, a little guilty.

“Levi was here? What a pity, I thought I wasn’t going to have my own lunch so I ate a lot of catering at the meeting and I’m already full… Are you perhaps hungry? Levi hates it when food goes to waste.”

Eren immediately pressed box close to his chest to protect it like a treasure. There was no way in hell he was letting it go.

“I haven’t eaten anything since morning, sir. And I don’t have my lunch… “

“That perfect!” cheered Erwin. “Just leave the box by Petra’s desk when you’re done. Levi is an amazing cook so I hope you’ll like it. He even used to be a professional, you know.”

Eren was sure that he will. And now he had more information to work on. Name, his previous job… It was going to be a busy night. And he wasn’t done. Maybe he could dig a little bit more. However painful the answers to his questions might be.

“Used to?” he asked innocently.

His curiosity won. He would ask a lot of questions. A lot.

“Yes… It’s such a waste he’s not a cook anymore… You see, he’s a little bit strict when it comes to cleanness in the kitchen. He just couldn’t stand it when his coworkers didn’t respect the rules so instead, he decided to work in food control and ‘punish the evil’ as he phrases it. He’s one of these people who are controlling the restaurants and making sure they are sanitary and clean. He’s really devoted and feels like he’s working for a cause so maybe it’s not entirely a bad thing.”

Wow. Eren’s heart fluttered. He just got so much information about his crush! Good food, devoted, liked things clean, his job… He was getting closer. He was starting to know him. Finally.

“So… All those fancy lunches you bring are made by him?”

“Of course.”

“It’s kind of amazing that he does it almost every day. He seems to be a wonderful friend.”

“Well, we live together so it’s pretty convenient, he just makes them for both of us.”

Another stab right through Eren’s heart. His mom taught him to never to step into a committed relationship like this with an attempt to destroy it and he really respected his mom’s rules and he would never break them. Even for the guy like the canned devil imp.

“Oh, so you’ve been eating good food for a while” he commented, trying not to sound weird.

“Yes, we go way back with Levi. We’ve been living together for so many years now… Oh god, I think more than ten. And we have a lovely dog, would you like to see the picture?”

Erwin took one of the few pictures that he had on his desk and shoved his happiness right into Eren’s face. In the picture there was Erwin with a wide smirk on his face, the handsome canned imp who was rolling his eyes, and a dog. Big, furry mutt that looked like something in between Tibetan mastiff and newfoundland. Either way, was really a very big and very furry dog. And very black.

“Wow. It’s a lovely picture.”

“Isn’t it?”

Eren really hated the picture. And he really wasn’t good at lying. But his guts were telling him that he should try, not only for the sake of his job.

“It is. Is the dog a she or a he?”

“We decided not to let the gender define it. But well, technically it’s a he. But he just loves wearing ribbons and always didn’t like dogs who manifested their bestial masculinity so we strongly believe it’s of a non-binary gender at least to some extent” he showed Eren screensaver on his phone as a proof. “Their name is Jujubee but Levi insists on calling them, pardon my language, Shithead.”

Eren wanted to both cry and smile. His crush was so cute. And he was cute while being in a committed relationship with his boss. Eren was in love, jealous, sad and desperate. He had a really hard time dealing with all these emotions. He really hoped that Erwin wouldn’t notice.

“I don’t know Levi but him calling his dog Shithead seems really… well, uhm, it really sounds like him” Eren said, braving up for a shy smile.

“I hope he wasn’t very rude when leaving the lunch. He tends to be… very straightforward.”

“No… But we didn’t really talk this much.”

“Great. Now, go eat, it’s late already, you’re probably hungry.”

Eren nodded and said his goodbyes. This conversation crushed his heart and his whole being so he  wasn’t hungry anymore. But then again, it was getting pretty late.

All his doubts disappeared immediately when he opened the box. He felt his mouth water. This lunch looked really good. It was just some chicken risotto but the spices and vegetables inside made it unique. The smell was like from the most expensive restaurants. It was heavenly.

He put the food in the microwave. The smell was getting stronger. Eren was becoming more and more excited. Finally, the food was ready. He took it out carefully, already seeing a possibility that in his clumsiness he could actually drop it.

He placed it on his table. This time he  chose spot far away from everyone to have some privacy. He sat down and slowly began to eat. It was delicious. It was the most delicious meal he’s ever had. He was savoring every single bite, eating slowly. He was so focused on the wonderful taste that he didn’t even notice tears running down his cheeks.

“HAHHAHA! Look! The baby is crying!” laughed Oluo pointing at him.

Eren was so deep in the zone he almost didn’t notice.

“He’s eating Levi’s food. You cried too when you first tried it” Petra reminded him. “And you still look like you’re about to cry every time!”

“But he looks so stupid! Like a baby!” Oluo insisted on making fun of him.

“Shut up,” muttered Eren.

“WHAT?!” asked Oluo, purposely louder that he should.

“SHUT UP!” Eren yelled. “You’re ruining my sacred Levi’s food time! Go away! I need privacy!”

“It sounds like he’s going to masturbate to it” said Oluo. “Isn’t he disgusting, Petra?”

“Sorry, Eren” Petra smile apologetically forcefully pulled Oluo out of the room.

Now Eren could concentrate on his risotto once again.

Every bite was so wonderful it was enough to render him to the verge of crying. He never experienced something like this before.

It was better than his mother’s cooking.

Oh no. If she ever heard that, he would be so dead.

But still, it was true. Even his mother’s Kasespatze couldn’t compare to this. If he ever was to choose one food to eat for the rest of his life without any doubt he would choose this risotto. If there was a zombie apocalypse he would lock himself in a room full of this risotto and he would be happy just eating it until the world ended.

He wanted to marry this risotto. Almost as bad as the person who made it.

And he will. Because there was nothing he wouldn’t do for this food. He would even steal his boss’s boss’s boyfriend.

 

***

 

Next morning he was feeling terrible. Mikasa was disapproving of his recent stalkerish activities. Yesterday he told her excitingly about the risotto and how he was going to find Levi because now he knew where to look for him.

She actually called his mother and told her that he said someone was a better cook than her. Eren truly loved his mother but she talked his ear off for hours after that. Hours. He felt like a bad son now for loving Levi’s risotto more than Kasespatze. And even worse because his mother also talked to him about love and respect and now he hated himself for wanting to break Erwin and Levi up.

Was he a bad person? He was certainly feeling like it.

Somehow Erwin made him feel even worse.

“Eren! You’re here early!”

It was after ten in the morning which meant, usually, extremely late and time to rush to complete everything needed before lunch. But Erwin was boss’s boss. Probably cared only about the big deadlines. What he could know about the life of his little minions?

But apparently, he had spies who notified him about important things. Especially office gossip.

“So Petra told me that you cried yesterday because the risotto was so good.”

Eren felt blood rush to his cheeks from embarrassment. He’s been discovered. By the worst person possible. His crush’s long-term boyfriend.

“Don’t feel ashamed!” said Erwin with a smile. “A lot of people are moved by Levi’s food. He is an amazing cook after all. But it’s been a while since anyone cried. When I told him about that he tried not to show it but clearly he was flattered. Since he was baking yesterday, he made something special for his cute crying puppy, as he called you.”

Erwin placed an enormous chocolate muffin on Eren’s desk.

“Enjoy!” said Erwin with his Captain America and head of the marketing department smile and walked away looking strangely satisfied.

Eren was speechless. Erwin and Levi were together and apparently he had become a puppy. Their puppy. Eren wanted to steal Levi away but he really didn’t want to hurt Erwin either. Erwin was like a carrying… father figure he always wanted? Nah, planning on stealing dad’s boyfriend that was even more  creepy than everything he had thought of before so definitely not a father figure. He wasn’t this low. At least he hoped so.

Now he had a godly muffin. Made in good faith by person who was unaware of his obsessions.

Chocolate muffin that was bigger than his coffee mug. Covered in cream and small pearls. Little stars. He wondered if Levi could make animal decorations on muffins. Probably yes. He was perfect after all.

Eren thought it through. He made himself a tea. This muffin would go great with tea. In the meanwhile Jean has returned to his desk.

“What are you doing Jeager? Finally understood that no one will ever love you so you decided to grow fat all by yourself?”

“Shut up, My Little Pony.”

“Actually, this muffin doesn’t look half bad. I can take a test bite if you want.”

“You are not touching my muffin, you crazy gross cow! It was made by someone special.”

“You are so crazy. I gave you my cake when I had some.”

“You had disgusting three-day old cake that was a leftover from your boyfriend’s kid birthday party. You wanted to get rid of it and you used my weakness towards chocolate.”

“You still ate the every last of it. And you enjoyed it.”

“It had chocolate, Jean. Anyone who can say no to chocolate is not entirely human and should not be trusted.”

“Admit it, that cake was good. Actually, my boyfriend’s makes muffins like this he got a recipe from some friend who’s a cook, if you give me some, I will tell you the recipe and you can make yourself more.”

“I am not giving you any of this. And your boyfriend is shit at baking. This person is a genius. You are not worthy of this.”

Jean suddenly turned very angry. Not pissed off like usual but actually angry. After a  year of working with him, Eren should have known better not to speak badly of Jean’s boyfriend. Always when it came up, Jean was strangely protective.

“Don’t you say shit about my boyfriend or I will break that muffin on your face, Jeager.”

And he sounded like he really meant it. And first Eren kept messing with him even when it came down to Jean’s boyfriend. Soon he learned not to ever do that. Making fun of Jean’s boyfriend was strictly forbidden. Normally, he wasn’t keen on getting another shiner for that, however, he would fight some more. But today when he could actually lose muffin from Levi, there was no way he was continuing this conversation.

“Okay, okay. I get it. Your boyfriend is awesome and the only thing strange about him is his strange attraction towards horses and horse-like creatures. And I must say even when it comes to horses, his standards are pretty low.”

“I’m handsome and on my way to be rich, I don’t know what’s your problem.”

“You look like Shadowfax. Wait, no. like Donkey from Shrek. And your boyfriend is a hot dentist with a cute kid who bakes cookies with chocolate chips. He is devoted, kind and always helps others. And you’re the annoying Donkey from Shrek. See my point here?”

“One of these days I will throw you out of the window, Jeager.”

 “Sure. Now I will eat my muffin in peace if you please.”

“Screw you, you…”

Jean looked like he was going to say something more but someone yelled something about the deadline and it made him immediately shut up and focus on the computer. Jean was an asshole but aldo an extremely diligent worker who always kept up with his deadlines.

He took a bite of the muffin. It was back. All the emotions from yesterday, now high lightened by sugar. He was going to cry again.

And his time Jean would be there to make fun of him.


	3. Cookies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm so late!
> 
> Blame:
> 
> \- Me 'cause my life was kind of intense lately and I got a nasty cold as a result (I'm still getting over it)
> 
> \- Isayama because I don't know about you but the last chapter destroyed me, how can Isayama destroy an OTP everyone has been low-key shipping from the beginning and give us a new, even better OTP instead? Just... Isayama. He made me consider rewriting this fic to include that new ship but I decided that I would rather stay faithful to the old one for now.

Eren was confused about things. On the one hand, he was deeply in love with Levi. He couldn’t help thinking about him all the time, he was falling asleep dreaming how nice it would be if Levi was by his side.

On the other hand, he still felt doubtful about becoming a homewrecker. That’s why he avoided Erwin for two following weeks.

Fortunately, he wasn’t working directly under Erwin so it wasn’t very hard.

End of the year was approaching and with it so were the deadlines. The worst ones. He watched as many people pulled all-nighters and everybody was terrified. End of the year was always terrible and left little energy to celebrate Christmas. Last year he fell asleep while making Christmas cookies with his mom to her and Mikasa’s horror.

This year was probably going to be the same.

This Christmas was going to be so terrible. Mikasa was already giving him a hard time for having an irrational crush on a guy he met twice and that he didn’t actually speak with. He didn’t want to give her any more reasons to doubt his life.

In the copying room, he ran into Petra who looked even worse than he did. Even her hair wasn’t as fluffy and smooth as it always was. She looked like work had sucked out her essence. Like a zombie. He really wished he could have time to watch some series about zombie apocalypse so he could contemplate this but he himself scarcely had time to sleep a bare minimum of hours that allowed his organism to function.

He was almost sure that if there was a zombie apocalypse outside, they wouldn’t notice as long as the internet would keep on working. Even if the zombies entered the office. Actually, they would blend in quite nicely.

“When did you last sleep?” Eren asked Petra with worry.

She looked like she was about to faint.

“Not counting the nap I took on the conference table around 4 am… two days ago. Maybe three. I don’t know anymore” she answered in a weak voice.

“But… how can Erwin let you go on like this?”

“Oh, he’s worse. Some old trouble came up and for the last few days, we’ve been working hard on fixing it. He hasn’t been home since it started.”

“Oh my god. That’s terrible.”

Eren felt sorry for Levi and Shithead who were waiting at home for his return.

“Can you help me carry these?” she asked pointing at the pile of documents. “I don’t think I can take it on my own.”

“Sure.”

Eren took most of the documents and followed her to Erwin’s office. The door was not completely closed and he could hear shouting from inside. And he recognized the voiced. Erwin’s and… Levi’s? Was it possible? Or his sleep-deprived mind was making him see and hear things? He heard about people hallucinating from exhaustion but he didn’t think that he had already reached this stage.

Shit, he still had so much work to do. How on Earth was he going to survive till Christmas?

To his surprise, Petra smiled widely.

“Oh, my god, finally something good. Eren, sit down, their fights are usually epic. It’s like music for my tired ears.”

She took out a spare chair and invited him to sit by her desk and join in listening. He had mixed feelings about all this but still sat down anyway. Apparently, Petra’s desk was conveniently located in a way that allowed her to hear everything from Erwin’s office.

“How dare you not come home for three days and then ask me if our dog is fine?! Of fucking course it’s not fine, you bear shit! Now pack your fancy bag, you’re going home to sleep.”

“Levi, I told you, I have to finish this. I will come home this evening.”

“I will pretend I didn’t just hear the shitty lie that came out of your shitty mouth. Pack your fucking bag.”

“Levi” he could imagine Erwin’s stern face. “Things need to be done. And only I can do them.”

“You are so full of yourself, bushbrows.”

“I’m just doing what’s right.”

“What you fucking think it’s right. And your thinking lately is utter shit. What the hell is it with you not texting me or Mike back? Did you fucking hurt your head when you fainted from exhaustion and fell through a fucking window? Cause your logic’s shit. So take that long stick out from your ass and come home.

“I will come home for dinner. I promise.”

“Like hell I believe you. You would probably come home next week if it was up to you.”

“Levi… If by chance I  won’t make it today, I will come back tomorrow. Certainly.”

“Erwin, I’m dragging your workaholic ass home whether you like it or not. If I have to knock you out and carry you myself, I’ll fucking do it.” Levi announced. “And you know I will. And police officers from a nearby station will give me a blessing when they’ll hear all about your stubborn workaholic ass.”

“Let’s make a deal…” Erwin proposed with unexpected enthusiasm in his voice.

“God. You came up with something fucked up. Great.”

“I will go with you. And you can feed me and watch me sleep until the morning if you want.”

 “Like hell I will stay up all night to watch you snore.”

“The thing is what I want in return.”

“Fuck you and your eyebrows.”

Petra gasped.

“Oh no! It’s over! And I was hoping for so much more!” she whispered.

“Why?” asked Eren, failing to understand.

“Erwin told me that those were the first words that Levi said to him. Now, Levi uses it when he doesn’t want to fight anymore or just to show his affection. Like it’s their own way of saying ‘I love you’. Seems kind of romantic, don’t you think?”

Eren’s jealousy made it impossible for him to agree. He just focused back on the fight.

“So what the hell does noble Lady Shaggybrow want? Gigot d’agneau?”

Levi’s French pronunciation was impeccable and disturbingly arousing.  

“And this time cooking me fancy dinner and walking Jujubee won’t cut it.”

“You are a fucking psychopath. Why am I living with you again?”

“Because you secretly love me. And that’s why you will come with me to the End of The Year Party.”

“No.”

“Otherwise I’m not leaving.”

“You fucking shit. I should just let you rot under one of these tables. You know I hate these things.”

“I will let you hate on everything as much as you want as long as no one important hears it. Come on, Levi. It’s going to be fun!”

“Why the hell do you even want me there?”

“Because it’s the event of the year and you are dear to me, Levi!”

“No. It is so not.”

“Levi. I promise it will be last year I drag you to the gala.”

“Fine. It’s the last year you ‘drag’ me there” Levi scoffed. “Next year if you even mention it, I’m shaving your eyebrows in your sleep.”

“Great! We’ll have amazing time!”

“We won’t. And just so we’re clear. I’m only agreeing to this shit because Shithead is lonely.”

 “Only Jujubee?”

“Don’t push it, you asshole. Pack your crayons, we’re leaving.”

Eren had risen. What if they saw him eavesdropping? What if they figured out his affections? Would Levi be angry and kick him? Eren was really bothered by how kinky it sounded in his head. Ever since he first saw Levi his thought were running wild. It was a little bit bothering.

The door opened and suddenly Eren was face to face with the main characters of all his sex fantasies for last months. Levi was wearing very tight black jeans. Because of them Eren was about to faint.

“Oh. The scared puppy. You liked my muffin?”

God was spoke to him. Directly to him. Eren opened his mouth to reply but instead of “yes, it was amazing” he said:

“I love you” Eren heard his own voice and suddenly realized in horror what just happened. “I mean… I love your muffin. And lunch. And every…” _move you make, every breath you take..._ “I just think every meal you make is amazing.”

Levi smiled a little bit. Eren was starting to get arrhythmia. Was he going to die? Well, at least it would be one of those epic deaths. A 25-year-old man dies because he talked to his crush. He would so end up in a newspaper. And he would be already dead so Mikasa would have no chance of killing him.

Levi reached his bag and took out a mysterious box. He opened it and suddenly aroma of fresh nuts and spices reached Eren’s nose.

“Have a cookie, kid. You too, Petra.”

They thanked him and each took a Christmas cookie. Eren’s was in shape of Santa and was meticulously decorated. Eren almost didn’t want to eat it but Levi was looking so he bit off one on Santa’s hands. He lost control of his body and let out a loud moan. God. Those cookies were to die for. Perfectly crunchy, not too sweet, with a rich flavor.

Eren blushed when he heard his own voice. Levi blinked. His eyes sparkled with interest.

“Not bad. If you enjoy them so much you can take two” he said.

Eren’s hand reached out immediately. Unfortunately, his and Levi’s moment was over because Erwin emerged from his office.

“Ready to go!” he exclaimed with excitement that was not really fitting his current looks of Zombie Captain America in a tailored suit.

“Packed up you crayons, zombie brows?”

Oh. My. God. Levi was literally saying exactly what Eren was thinking. It was destiny. They were destined to be together. Eren knew that now and he gipped his little cookie star tightly.

“Those are important flash drives, not crayons Levi. But yes, I did. Let’s go.”

“Fucking finally.”

“Wait!” Petra intruded. “I want one more cookie too.”

When he opened a box again she grabbed a few.

“Petra, just fix the report and then you can go home,” Erwin said.

“Which one?”

She went back to the computer. Erwin stepped up and helped her look for the report.

Levi’s attention was on Eren again.

“The End of The Year Party thing” he said. “You will be there?”

Eren gasped. Could it be that Levi was a little interested in him after all? Maybe his obsession would finally pay off. He gathered all his courage to smile flirtatiously. God, it was so hard not to lose his cool.

“Yes, I will. You interested in some company other than Erwin?” he said trying to sound confident.

He was going to hell for that. Erwin was standing right next to them. And he was shamelessly picking up his boyfriend. Erwin, however, seemed half-asleep so Eren doubted he would get fired for that. Erwin probably would have thought it was some kind of a strange dream.

What was more important, Levi smirked. He actually smirked at Eren.

“Take a cookie and eat it.”

He chose another cookie, a star this time. How should he eat it? Should he moan in attempt to seduce Levi? Or it would sound stupid? He could try not to moan. Yes, that would probably better. And definitely no crying this time. No crying for sure.

As soon as his tongue touched the cookie he let out a loud, uncontrollable moan. Levi looked strangely satisfied by it.

“See ya at the party, Eren” he said and taking yawning Erwin by his arm, he left going straight to the elevators.

Eren couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day not only because he would see Levi again in the near future but also because Levi not only knew his name but also remembered it.

 

 

***

 

“Mikasa!” he yelled. “Where is my good suit if not in the closet?”

“In the basement” she replied calmly coming into his room.

“What?” he stopped throwing things out of the closet. “Why?”

“Last year you decided that you were not going to use it for at least a year so it was a waste of space. It’s in the basement.”

“But… won’t it rot or something?”

“No. I told you it would, you didn’t listen and put it away along with a bunch of other clothes, so I bought a special bags for them and now they are safe.”

Eren hugged her.

“You are awesome big sister.”

“I know. Why do you need good suit anyway?”

“The End of The Year Party at work.”

“Oh, this things usually have amazing food and wine. Do you need a date?” she asked, clearly wanting to be his date.

“S…” he wanted to agree but then he thought about Mikasa hating on him for crushing on boss’s boss’s boyfriend and how she would do anything in her power to make it impossible for him to talk to Levi. “…orry. You know, food. Sasha begged me to bring her. And I kind of owe her for feeding me all the time.”

“Okay.”

She looked just a little bit disappointed. Eren expected far worse. But the storm was coming.

“Is this because you want to see this man again and you don’t want me to stand in the way?” she asked.

Shit. Damn her for being too smart. He thought it would stop bothering him when they were out of school but there they were. Still, she would always figure things out. Thigs that should stay hidden.

“No! Of course not! And he probably won’t be there! And you know.. Sasha… Food… She eats…”

He felt like the words that left his mouth really didn’t really make any sense. But apparently, Mikasa has resigned. She let out a long and tired sigh.

“Fine. But you are bringing me next year. And if you see that man again, control yourself. You don’t want to lose this job.”

As soon as she was out of the room, he called Sasha.

“Sash!” he whispered, just in case Mikasa could hear. “Call your rich cousin to borrow a pretty dress. I’m taking you to a party on 20th, they have a fancy free buffet.”

As expected, Sasha started to scream.

“And if Mikasa asks, you wanted to go there for months. We’re cool?”

“Can I bring a bag?”

“No. It’s a fancy party. But with a lot of food.”

He could hear Sasha’s stomach grumble. Probably she was drooling too. God help him. It was going to be a difficult party.


	4. A peculiar virgin cocktail

Somehow, not entirely clear how, Eren survived the deadlines. He even managed to rest a little bit before The End Of The Year Party because most of his work was to be done before 20th and after that, they were just wrapping things up.

He cut down his free time to get some extra sleep and finally look human again. He wanted to look as good at the party. To possibly seduce his boss’s boss’s boyfriend. He was so going to hell. And it was happening soon because his mother would kill him when she found out. And she would find out because she always found out.

Probably he was going to die before the New Year.

The more reason he had to go all the way out and try to seduce Levi on the End of the Year Party.

The night before he even stole Mikasa’s facial masks. Unfortunately, Mikasa came home early when he already had put it on himself. He ran to his bedroom and turned off the lights, pretending to be sleeping. Mikasa wouldn’t find it strange since he’d been sleeping a lot these last few days.

Mikasa was taking her sweet time in the bathroom. He heard her turn the shower on and off a few times. Eren’s face was starting to sting. Were the facial masks supposed to do things like that? He didn’t think so. He glanced at his phone. He had the mask on for half an hour now. He was supposed to wash it off after 10 minutes.

Stinging was getting worse. What if it burned his face off?

No! How the hell was he supposed to flirt with Levi with his face half burned off?!

Mikasa turned the shower off but wasn’t going out. He glanced at the watch. Forty minutes. The facial mask was starting to dry and it felt like little devils were dancing on his skin.

He needed to get it off. He decided to forego his honor and go to the bathroom.

“Mikasa!” he knocked. “I need to use the bathroom. And whatever you see on my face don’t you dare laugh at me!”

“Wait, I’m naked!”

“What the hell was taking you so long?! You finished showering like five minutes ago!”

“I used that weird body lotion that leaves stains on the clothes if it’s wet!”

Mikasa and her body lotions. Mikasa and all her cosmetics. He would throw it all in the garbage starting with his sister.

“I didn’t need that mental image, Mikasa! Ew!”

“Nobody told you to picture me naked!” she yelled back.

“Ew, ew! What is taking you so long?”

His face was burning. It couldn’t be good.

“I can’t find my sock!”

He was going to kill her.

“Open the door! I’m dying here!”

She finally turned the lock around so he could enter. He barged in not waiting for any further invitations, turned on the water and started furiously splashing it on his face.  

Mikasa was so used to him doing weird things, she didn’t even blink.

“What are you doing? What is on your face?” she asked. “Is it dangerous?”

“Of course it’s dangerous! It’s your predatory facial mask!”

He was rubbing it off but could get rid of the mask from hell.

“Eren… “Mikasa sounded worried. “Your face is red. Why didn’t you use the kitchen sink?”

Stupid Mikasa. Stupid kitchen sink he forgot about.

It took them good ten minutes and involved few other Mikasa’s cosmetics and special wipe that was really creeping Eren out but finally they had gotten rid of the mask remains. Eren was now left with just one problem. A red face that hurt a lot when touched. And was stinging even when he didn’t touch it at all.

He looked at himself in the mirror. He looked hideous. All was lost. He imagined Levi’s disgusted face and suddenly felt like crying.

“I just wanted to be pretty for the party, Mikasa…” he sobbed.

Tears stung too. Damn, that stupid facial mask that was ruining his life.

Mikasa petted his hair like she always did when he needed comfort.

“You shouldn’t steal my things if you don’t even know how to use them…” Mikasa judged with a serious face.

“It’s your fault! You shouldn’t be showering so long! I have no idea how we can afford water bills!”

“It’s not college anymore,” she sighed. “We can afford hot water, Eren.”

“But still you can’t afford safer facial masks?” he complained.

“It’s because we both have good jobs I can buy any facial mask. And cosmetics. They are expensive, Eren. You should check the instructions before using them. I will put some cream on you, it should help.”

“I’m not trusting any of your cosmetics anymore! They are evil!”

Mikasa rolled her eyes, sat him down like a kid and put a thick layer of soothing cream on his face, ignoring all the whining. She just couldn’t understand how Eren always managed to hurt himself no matter how trivial things he was doing. She really wished he would take her along to the party so she could protect him.

 

***

 

Hanji Zoe’s eyes thoroughly scanned Sasha who was eating a potato that her loving husband gave her before leaving the house so she wouldn’t get hungry on the way to the party. They had just entered the building and Hanji was already all over them. She had been looking around the hall like an excitement-starved harpy.

Feeling the judgmental look on them, both of them felt glad that were well dressed tonight. Eren finally found his good suit and thanks to Mikasa’s help he managed to heal his skin and cover all slightly red spots with makeup. Sasha borrowed a beautiful dark blue dress from her cousin and if not for a potato she was holding one could think she stepped out of a fashion magazine.

No wonder they immediately caught Mrs. Zoe’s attention.

“EREN! You look good! Are you entering the competition this year?! Is she your girlfriend?”

“What competition? Can we win food?” Sasha asked, munching the potato.

“Miss Zoe, this is my good friend Sasha. Sash, this is Miss Zoe, head of R&D Department. Every year she organizes a competition about dates people are bringing, there are categories like the weirdest, the prettiest and stuff like that. There is an online vote and everything, it’s pretty serious.”

No matter how many times Eren told people about this thing, he still found it weird. Never he has heard of any company doing something similar. But then again, no other company had Hanji Zoe.

“The prizes are secret for now but there are some lunches… You two should enter! But I have to warn you, for the looks of it, Jean is winning in the prettiest, the cutest, the most amusing date categories” she said seriously.

Eren gasped.

“He brought him? The imaginary boyfriend?!”

Almost two years of sitting next to Jean made him realize that Jean talked about his boyfriend a lot. However, Eren still didn’t know how the mysterious man looked like or even his full name. He was almost sure half of the time, Jean was just making stuff up. Sometimes he even suspected the boyfriend didn’t really exist.

Of course, he could ask Jean for a picture or stalk him on facebook. But he didn’t want to seem interested in his Pony Life.

“Better” Hanji said. “He brought his boyfriend’s kid.”

“Oh.”

Eren felt a little disappointed. He wanted to see the boyfriend, the kid didn’t have to be real, Jean could just borrow him from somewhere. Or kidnap. He could probably go to any kindergarten in town dressed as a pony and kids would follow him anywhere he wanted. Eren really hoped Jean wasn’t a pedophile because _that face_ created opportunities.

“And she’s so cute, oh my god! The little thingie is so nice! She already promised that she will be my lab assistant when she grows up!”

Suddenly Moblit, Hanji’s personal assistant approached them, holding two drinks.  Like a perfect assistant he was, he placed the drink in Hanji’s hand without saying anything almost unnoticeable.

He would be unnoticeable if not for Sasha.

“Your date is so nice! And he brings you drinks! Does he bring you food too?!”

Sasha got overexcited so Eren nudged her in the ribs.

“Sasha, Moblit is a personal assistant! Not a date!”

Hanji on the other hand thought Sasha was lovely.

“Awww, she’s so cute! Moblit, let’s take her home with us!”

“Kidnapping is illegal, Hanji,” reminded her Moblit.

“Honey,” Hanji grew more serious and spoke directly to Sasha. “There is a lot of food upstairs. And Eren will be bringing it to you all night or else I’m going to fire him. Because you are so cute, you should have all the candies you want! Eren! Take care of your date!”

“She’s not my girlfriend! She’s a friend! And she’s married!” he claimed.

“Respect your date! Disasters happen when you don’t respect your date! And how you plan or winning the contest with this attitude?!”

“Hanji, you’re quite loud,” Moblit pointed out, clearly bothered.

Eren saw it as an opportunity to run. But Sasha ruined it by keeping up the conversation.

“I never saw a drink like that,” she said, looking at the glass in Hanji’s hand.

“It’s my favorite! It’s mixed with cranberries, rum, lemonade….” The list went on and Eren didn’t like what he was hearing “… and cucumbers!” she finished. “Would you like to try?”

Sasha thanked her and took a sip. She looked at the glass with true bewilderment.

“It tastes like there is no alcohol!”

Eren wasn’t surprised. With all these ingredients there was little room left for alcohol.

“Of course not! Moblit made this one virgin tonight because I can’t drink,” she explained.

Eren knew that Hanji drank gallons of alcohol at all the company parties and gatherings. She danced on the tables then slept on whatever surface she could find. Something was wrong.

“Are you sick, Miss Zoe?” he asked with worry in his voice.

Hanji smile and proudly stated.

“I’m not sick, I might be pregnant.”

Eren was petrified. So Hanji Zoe was human. And could have sex. And get pregnant. Oh, God. That was weird. The poor soul that got her pregnant. It was going to be intense. He wondered if he knew that poor soul. After all, Hanji almost lived in her lab so it was possible that he had met him.

“Congratulations! Is it inappropriate to ask… who is the father?” he asked slowly.

Immediately, he knew that what he said was extremely inappropriate. Moblit looked deeply hurt. And Hanji was laughing.

“Me?” answered Moblit, questioning why Eren didn’t see the obvious.

“That’s so cute!” Sasha squeeled. “So he’s your assistant, brings you food and also is your boyfriend? That’s almost like me and my husband!”

Eren would compare it more to being a personal slave but Sasha’s version was more suitable for the public.

“Yes! It feels so good to make them do things, doesn’t it? I’ve been having Moblit help me with everything for six years already!”

Somehow Eren again said things without thinking and managed to be even more rude.

“Why aren’t you two married?”

He felt Sasha’s shoe stomp cruelly on his right foot. Yeah, fine, he deserved it. He thought that maybe he was so rude because he was stressed about the Levi situation. But probably it wasn’t even stress, he just always acted before thinking.

“Oh, he proposed,” Hanji explained. “Like ten times. But...”

“She’s obsessed with the idea of double wedding” Moblit went on. “Actually, her initial thought was a triple one but we managed to find a middle ground here...So we were waiting for our friends to get engaged but they were taking awfully long…”

“Until yesterday! They finally decided and now we can get married together!!!” cheered Hanji.

Eren was now positively sure that Hanji was crazy. He admired Moblit’s perseverance. And endurance. Moblit was truly amazing. When he had an opportunity he needed to apologize for being so oblivious and rude and then admit his respect.

But before the opportunity came, suddenly, Hanji started to scream and she ran to the entrance.

“MY SWEET BABIES!!!! FINALLY, YOU’RE HERE! AND FINALLY, YOU DID IT! CONGRATULATIONS!!!”

She jumped on two men that just entered. The smaller one showed her off him so she just hung on the taller one’s neck.

They were Erwin and Levi. Both in expensive, well-fitting suits. Eren saw Hanji checking something on Erwin’s finger. Probably an engagement ring.

That was too much. He dragged Sasha to the elevator as quickly as he could and started to furiously press the button.

Before the door closed behind them he saw Levi smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NANI?! A cliffhanger??!?!?! Sorry, I couldn't resist.
> 
> I just hope I'm not messing with you too much. Stay strong!
> 
> In my defense, I think you will find the next chapter pretty cool. Also, it will clear some things up. And the one after that will be just awesome.


	5. Chocolate cake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it turned out to be pretty long.

Eren was struggling to keep it together.

Engagement. Erwin. Ring. Double wedding. Shit.

Levi was getting married.

Levi had a fiancé.

“Eren, what’s wrong?” Sasha asked.

“Everything,” he answered simply.

The elevator was going up and his life was going down. Just like that.

“Oh. That guy there was the canned satanic imp?”

He nodded.

“I imagined he would be smaller,” Eren glared at her with hatered. “Sorry. And sorry… about the other thing.”

Eren sighed. He pulled Sasha in a tight hug, trying to find some comfort.

Levi was getting married. Great. Eren didn’t like the idea in the slightest. Parents were married, great couples like Sasha and Connie were married, so Levi probably loved Erwin very much. And it was impossible for Eren to come between them. Not that he particularly wanted to. Or could. Somehow.

“You know… but you still will have a chance to get to know him at the party! Maybe they are just pretending to be engaged!” Sasha tried to cheer him up. “They just want to win this best date contest! So probably they are fake-engaged!”

“Sash. They are together. And they have a dog. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a dog. I’m all alone” Eren whined.

“There, there” she patted him on the head. “Do you want to take this big plant to the couch there and sit for a while in hiding before going to the party?”

“Yes,” Eren immediately though even if he was all for hiding there he didn’t really want to the party. He wanted to go home but he felt so weak sitting was the only option.

They hid behind the bush and cuddled. Eren tried to find some comfort in Sasha’s arms but couldn’t.

He could handle the idea of Levi being in an unhappy relationship. But. The vision of Levi getting happily married to a rich, nice guy who looked like a Captain America was just too much.

Sasha smelled like potatoes and perfume. It was calming. But he still felt like he was about to cry.

“Mister! Don’t cry!”

Suddenly a small girl, around six years old, with big blue eyes and blond hair appeared before them. She was wearing a beautiful princess dress and a tiara on her head. She looked devastatingly cute. She held out a chocolate dessert that was already half-eaten but still looked delicious.

“You can have my chocolate! Grandpa always gives me chocolate when I’m sad!”

Eren thought about his mother yelling at him about not taking sweets from strangers when he was a kid. But the other way around was okay, right? It was okay when kid gave you sweets?

He didn’t hesitate much longer. He thanked the girl and took the chocolate. Sugar was tasty but it didn’t fill the void inside. Levi was still getting married. However, he felt a little bit better. At least now he had some will to keep on leaving and eat more chocolate.

“Thank you. You’re a nice girl.” He said. “I’m Eren and this is Sasha. You’re here with your grandpa?”

Girl suddenly lit up like he was about to talk about his favorite person in the whole world.

 “My name is Krista but today you can call me ‘Queen Historia’ because daddy let me wear my pretty dress. I came here with my Jeapa!”

She smiled heartwarmingly. She looked like she was waiting for them to say something nice about her dress. Unfortunately for her, both Eren and Sasha focused on something else.

“Your what?” Eren was perplexed.

“My Jeapa. He's not really my papa so I call him Jeapa” she explained knowingly.

“Oh. Wow.”

“I can bring you more chocolate if you want!” she proposed with an angelic smile not minding that they ignored her dress. “I already know where all the cool food is!”

Sasha was in love.

“Can I adopt you?”

Krista blushed.

“Sorry. Daddy promised to read me a goodnight story tonight so I can’t go. And Daddy would be sad. And I think Jeapa would be sad too.”

Suddenly, a horse-like creature appeared.

“Krista! I mean, Queen Historia! Don’t run off like that! Your dad would kill me if something happened to you!” Jean picked the girl up into his arms.

“Sorry, Jeapa” Krista said kissing his cheek. “ But the boy here looked sad so I gave him chocolate.”

That was when Jean noticed Eren and Sasha.

“Jeager? What the hell? Did she dump you? And how someone like you can score a hot date like this?”

“Her name is Sasha. She’s my friend. And she’s married to my other friend,” Eren explained.

“He just found out his crush is engaged” Sasha added clearly thinking Jean was Eren’s friend.

“You are crushing on your coworkers? That’s low even for you. And creepy” Jean stated.

Eren glared at him with hatred. He wanted to argue with Jean and maybe hit him because that always made things better but he was interrupted.

“Jeapa, what’s a ‘crush’? I heard it before in my cartoon.”

“It’s when you like someone very much…”

“Like you like me?!”

“No, in a romantic way…”

“So you and daddy have a crush?”

“No, we are in love. That girl Ymir has a crush on you. She likes you a lot but it’s not that serious.”

“But Ymir says she will marry me!”

“I’m sure Eren wanted to marry his crush too. Right, Eren? But they are not in love so it’s okay for his crush to marry someone else.”

If not for children present Eren would gut Jean. Or throw him out the window. Or at least stab him with a fork.

“Jeapa! That’s so terrible! Let’s bring Eren a lot of cake so he’ll be happier!”

“We can go for the cake together,” Sasha said with enthusiasm. “You’ll be okay here, Eren? I can stay,” she offered.

“No, it’s okay,” Eren sighed. “Just bring me that cake.”

“No problem!” Sasha suddenly stood up and run off with Krista.

Jean seemed tired because of this whole ordeal. He hesitated for a second, trying to judge if Eren would prefer to be left alone with his problems but in the end decided to stay and keep Eren distracted. He collapsed on the couch right next to him.

 “If your girl will do something to my little Krista, you’ll regret ever bringing her here, Jeager,” Jean started a conversation.

Eren sighed.

“Krista’s your boyfriend’s, not yours. But…She’s a good kid. You guys are raising her well.”

Jean, as usual, liked to be praised so, suddenly, he seemed more friendly.

“Thanks. And sorry about your crush. Did you just find out?”

“Yeah.”

“That sucks.”

Elevator arrived with a ping. Eren hid deeper behind the plants. He was right to do so. Soon from the elevator came out Ms. Zoe, Moblit, Erwin and Levi. Eren couldn’t bring himself to look at the last one.

They were laughing  and chatting cheerfully. They moved on to the party without noticing Eren or Jean. When they left, Eren let out a long, loud sigh.

“Wait. _HE_ is your crush?” Jean looked shocked.

“YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, PONY?!”

“Just didn’t pick you for someone who would go after your superior. And have hots for Captain America. Always thought you would prefer Hulk or King Kong since you two have so much in common.”

“Oh my god.”

“But it’s really tragic. He’s been in a committed relationship for years. And the shit I know about Erwin. Dude. It’s good you didn’t go into that.”

 “Not Erwin. The other guy.”

“Fuck, you have hots for Levi? Holly shit. That’s even worse. Levi is a psycho. Once I spilled a coffee on his carpet and he made me take it to three different dry cleaners. Like hell he would ever get engaged. No one could put up with his shit long enough for that no matter how well he cooks and how ripped he is.”

Jean was talking and Eren was staring at him in shock. At once, so much information came in. Jean apparently knew Levi and Erwin privately. That was weird and unexpected. Also, he acted like he already knew about Erwin’s engagement while he rejected the sole idea of Levi getting engaged.

Maybe he was misreading things. Or Jean was crazy. Or drunk. Maybe Eren was getting his hopes up for nothing. But how could he not when Jean acted like Levi and Erwin weren’t really together?

“But… wait, you know Levi?” Eren asked cautiously.

“Kind of. My boyfriend actually is friends with Erwin. So sometimes I tag along to eat Levi’s food. He’s an amazing cook, seriously. His pumpkin soup is to die for.”

Eren would have never expected that the answers he was looking for months were so close.

“What is he like? Does he drink coffee or tea? What does he do in his free time? Is he happy? Does he like kids? Does he want kids?”

“You’re terrible. I’m not telling you.”

“Please, Jean! I won’t make horse jokes for a week!”

He tried his best to look like a puppy. He knew he had potential. Mikasa often complained about the eyes he made when he wanted something really badly.

“Two weeks. And you get to ask five question. I’m saving the rest for when I’ll need something from you.”

Eren gasped. It was an amazing deal. He was sure that Jean would settle on three weeks for three questions.

“You truly are a magnificent stallion, Jean.”

“And I tell you when I want this two weeks to start. I’m keeping this for when you annoy the hell out of me.”

“Okay. So… How old is he?”

“No idea. But he’s two or three years younger than Erwin and you can look up Erwin on facebook or wherever.”

“All his profiles are set on privet,” Eren said because he already had looked up Erwin on every social media after he was given the godly lunchbox.

“I’m not really surprised. Fine. So I’d say Levi is... 30? Yeah, that’s it, he was bitching about being thirty a lot lately.”

He decided to go for the questions that bugged him the most next.

“How does he know Erwin? And are they...”

“One at the time. But how they’ve met, that’s a good story. You should ask one of them, they tell it better.”

Eren glared at him with persistence.

“Jean.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “So, Levi’s good at fighting. I mean, like really good. He was raised by his uncle who is some kind of an officer. He taught Levi how to defend himself, practiced martial arts with him, you can imagine. Seriously though, Levi is crazy good. I saw him take on five officers at once and he didn’t  even break any sweat and they were lying on the ground.”

Eren gasped. He was right. Levi was badass.

“His uncle always takes him to work when they have new recruits so he can beat them up. It’s some kind of tradition or something. It’s good for new guys because after school they usually think they are good and it’s better that they realize that they are not fighting Levi than some thug on a mission. Makes them work harder or whatever.

“Anyways, Erwin in his college days thought about becoming a cop. He went to the station to do his research, Levi’s uncle is like ‘sure, of course, but tugs are pretty scary, kid’ and next thing Erwin knew, Levi comes at him. Erwin did a lot of judo so somehow he survived a few seconds longer than most. Still, he was shocked and terrified, so he did the best thing he could to defend himself.”

“Run?” Eren asked.

“He grabbed a flower in a pot and threw it at Levi. It hit him pretty bad and worse, he was covered in soil. Levi really hates dirty things so he went into some kind of rage, broke Erwin’s arm. And that’s when he said ‘fuck you and your eyebrows’,” Jean added. “It’s a good catchphrase.”

“He broke his arm?”

“Officially yes but I heard that Erwin broke this arm like seven times already so it’s not exactly Levi’s fault. It’s the arm that’s so breakable. Levi yelled at Erwin, knocked the idea of joining the police force out of his head, brought him to the hospital and later, insisted that until they take his cast off, he will help him clean and cook. He stayed there more and more and then they found a dog so he just moved in.”

“... And... He’s gay right?”

Jean looked at him like he was stupid.

“We all are, Jeager. Is your gaydar broken or what?”

Eren decided not to fight with Jean on that one for the sake of his good mood.

“Tell me everything you know about his love life, boyfriends, casual relationships he had, everything.”

“God, Jeager, I don’t go dig into people’s past so much.”

“But, Jean…” Eren whined.

“If you really want to know, I can ask my boyfriend. But that’s the only thing. I don’t want him to find out that I’m helping a crazy stalker.”

“Jean, you are so cool. Godsend stallion… Pegasus…”

Jean quickly sent a text.

“Next?”

“What does he like?”

“Too general. I’m not answering this.”

“Fine. Tea, coffee or both?”

“Tea. Unless he’s really tired. But if you add sugar he will throw it out. Or likely throw it at you.” Jean winced remembering something painful.

“Does he like flowers?”

“Not really. But he lets Erwin keep a few plants.”

“Will he adopt kids with me when we get married?”

Jean rolled his eyes.

“You passed your limit. And you should ask him yourself. Actually, Jeager… What do you know about Levi? How do you even know him?”

Eren blushed.

“Oh, I ran into him a few times and he seemed cool.”

“God. I just helped an obsessive stalker,” Jean sounded exasperated.

Eren grabbed him.

“No, Jean. You helped a desperate man with a purpose.”

Jean sighed.

“You are so screwed up, Eren.”

Jean’s phone vibrated. He took it out and Eren stretched look above his shoulder and read the message by himself but Jean shoved him for. Still, Eren managed to see that Jean’s boyfriend used a lot of emojis.

“He asks why I’m asking that if I don’t really care. I’m not telling him I’m helping a stalker, Jeager.”

“Please, Jean!” Eren begged. “Please, tell him I really care, it’s so important, really, Jean.”

Jean reluctantly sent another text. In silent tension they waited for the reply. Finally, it arrived. Jean read the text and looked both a little bit impressed and disappointed at the same time.

“Well?” Eren urged him.

“He has no idea.”

“Seriously?”

“It seems so. Sorry. You can ask another question.”

“Give me his number.”

Jean looked at him like Eren was a crazy person that should be locked up.

“No fucking way.”

“Fine. One guilty pleasure.”

“No idea.”

“So ask your boyfriend!”

“I can’t ask him! It’s already weird that I asked about Levi’s exes!”

“But that’s important!”

“Jeager. Get the fuck over yourself. My boyfriend’s going to be fucking pissed already when he finds out about me helping a stalker.”

“Right. The dentist’s revenge is the worst. He can… make you use new toothbrush.”

“Dude. Don’t ever try to get on my boyfriend’s bad side. It’s a suicide. When he’s just angry he’s okay because he’s actually adorable like that even when he threw 6-inch heels at me. But. When he’s really mad it’s terrifying. He’s like a cruel puppet master. He’s really sneaky and…”

“I really want to meet your boyfriend. He sounds awesome. Why do you have high heels at home?”

“None of  your business, Jeager.”

“So can I meet him?”

Jean glared at him. He was clearly judging something. And hesitating. He came to a conclusion pretty quickly.

“Nah. You can’t.”

“I knew it. You made him up and stole Krista from distant relatives.”

“You know what Jeager?” Jean was pissed off. “You remember when my boyfriend made cookies and they were not that good and when a week later he improved the recipe and I wanted to give you a few but you said no?”

“Yeah. Kind of. Those cookies weren’t really memorable just not that tasty.”

“Levi helped him make the second ones. And you didn’t eat it.”

Eren gasped. He had missed such an opportunity. How much of Jean’s food was actually made by Levi or according to Levi’s recipe’s?

“I’m going to look for Krista, “Jean announced. “You coming?”

“Fine.”

“And Eren?”

“Yeah?”

“I may not really like you a lot but good luck with Levi.”

Eren stopped for a second. Jean was rooting for him. It was a perfect timing to ask if Erwin and Levi were together or not. He wanted to ask but he was scared. Too scared.

Jean didn’t really seem like someone who could understand social reactions or relationships so Eren was hesitant to relay on him too much here. And Eren didn’t want to get his hopes up only to be destroyed after talking to Levi or Erwin.

He went with Jean to join the party. They didn’t have any trouble finding Sasha and Krista, they were standing next to the largest table and preparing their plates. Krista quickly filled her plate up when she saw them approaching and then run to Eren.

“Mister Eren, this is for you! Don’t cry anymore!” she said handing him the plate.

Eren looked at the amount of sweets she managed to put on it and felt very moved. She was an amazing person.

“Thank you, my Queen. This is really a lot, I think it will help me. And you really look pretty in that dress, “ he added.

Thanks to the complement Krista was beaming with happiness.

 “Really?! I like it too! It’s so soft and sparkly!”

“Yes, it’s a beautiful dress but it’s even more beautiful when a beautiful girl is wearing it.”

“Thank you!” Krista bowed elegantly like a true princess.

After eating a lot of sugar, Eren felt a lot better. The hope Jean gave him also helped. He even tried to go around and talk to people.

He just couldn’t stop thinking about how he was getting mixed signals. Jean clearly believed that Levi wasn’t engaged but he also knew that Erwin was engaged and living together with Levi. Something was wrong with this logic.

Probably the best way to find out would be to ask Jean but Eren was hesitating. If there was a little chance that Erwin and Levi weren’t together after all he was going to cling to it as hard as he could and as long as it was possible.

Free drinks really did help him with keeping this hope.

Unfortunately, he didn’t spend a lot of time with Levi. Erwin was dragging Levi across the room introducing Levi to CEOs and other important people that Eren preferred to avoid.

And then suddenly, few hours and lots of glasses of alcohol into the party, Levi disappeared. Eren assumed he had just left for the bathroom and kept dancing with Queen Historia. 

However, an hour passed on by, and Levi still wasn’t back. And it seemed that he wasn’t the only one worried.

“Eren!” Erwin approached him unexpectedly. “You don’t seem occupied so I would like to ask you for a little favor if you don’t mind.”

“Of course, Sir. Erwin,” he said almost dropping his finger sandwich.

“Levi doesn’t really like social gatherings like that, you see. He left some time ago and probably is hiding in my office. I’m sorry to ask you but I and Directors Paul and Franz were talking about something important and it doesn’t look like I will be able to get out soon. And you seem to have taken quite liking to Levi so I hoped that you wouldn’t mind....”

“I won’t mind at all!” Eren immediately agreed.

“Great! Levi will show you where my secret stash of cookies is, feel free to take some,” Erwin winked and quickly moved back to Director Paul and Director Franz.

Eren could his heart beating fast and loud in his chest. That was it. That was his chance.

He was going to be alone with Levi.

Finally.

He just hoped all the free drinks he had had wouldn’t ruin it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, the strangest thing about this fic is that the most crazy parts are actually inspired by my life.  
> For example, I have a friend who in our three years of knowing each other broke his leg four times. It was tragic.  
> And the thing actually the story about having 'a strong friend come over and put the new guys into their place I heard... at the fire station near my middle school.  
> Oh, and company parties... I will never forget the company parties from my internship.  
> Also, I have a kouhai who is my special consultant. She describes to me in details how difficult life is for the short people and how they have to deal with it.


	6. An appletini, a boulevardier and a lot of whisky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Levimas!  
> ♪誕生日ヽ(・ω・)ﾉ ♪才×ヽ(・∀・)ﾉ ♪ヽ(・ω・)ﾉ〒ﾞ├ ♪
> 
> I hope you're all enjoying your holiday and eating a lot of tasty food!

Eren quickly explained everything to Sasha. She squealed and hugged him wishing him good luck.  Then, he apologized to Queen for leaving her so abruptly. She turned out to be very fowhirgiving too.

Next, he moved on to Jean. He asked if he knew what Levi’s favorite drink was. He even had to ask Jean to write it down since it was a cocktail he has never heard of. He went to the bar and ordered an appletini for himself (he hoped green drink would bring out his eyes and help him seduce Levi) (no, he didn’t spend half a night in college googling green drinks) (it was whole night) and boulevardier for Levi. He was glad the company was paying so he could choose anything with a weird name without worrying about the price.

Eren had no idea what boulevardier was but dark red drink looked and smelled nice so he hoped that Jean indeed did tell him the truth and Levi would like it.

He was ready. At the same time, he didn’t feel ready at all. But it was high time to take an elevator upstairs. He took a deep breath and sunk into the crowd, avoiding speaking to anyone, went straight for the corridor.

Finally, he stepped into the elevator and pushed the right button.

Should he be cool? Or nice? He definitely should be flirty. Levi liked it when they were flirting the last time.

Should he mention Erwin? Probably, so he wouldn’t feel guilty. Just not too much.

How should he start?

He kept wondering about these things the whole way up and then into Erwin’s office. He stared at the door trying to breathe in and out more steadily. He needed to calm down. Or else he was going to make a terrible first impression.

“You know, I can see your legs, Shitbrows, just come in, “ he heard Levi’s harsh voice.

Eren gulped. I pushed the handle and entered. Trying not to show how stressed was he.

“Hi, sorry I’m not Erwin. He sent me to check up on you. And I brought you a drink, “ Eren smiled attempting to be charming.

Levi was sitting in a dark room on a couch next to the window. On the coffee table, there was beautiful ceramic vase full of flowers and an almost empty whisky bottle next to it, exactly the same as in the bar downstairs. There was just one glass, currently, in Levi’s hand meaning, he most probably drowned all this alcohol by himself.

Eren decided to be brave and sat next to him. Wow. Levi was really beautiful in the moonlight. Maybe he wasn’t a demonic imp after all but an elf?

“Thanks, brat,” he took boulevardier from Eren. “So the other drink is yours. You want to drink it with me here?”

Eren tried to smile suggestively.

“Maybe I do. Maybe I had it made just because I do.”

Levi glared at him for a moment. Their eyes met and then Eren understood. Levi was drunk, very drunk. And since Eren was a fool in love he wasn’t making much sense either.

It was going to be a disaster.

An utter disaster.

“You’re a funny little kid, “ Levi stated finally.

“Hey! I’m an adult! I’m less than five years younger than you! I got my degree and have my job and...” he started but quickly stopped. “Sorry.”

“I don’t mind. You’re kind of cute when you’re angry. Like my dog when he was a puppy.”

Eren found his perfect man. Who would be mad about his hot temper and arguing. A man who would find his anger issues ‘cute’. He hoped that Levi wouldn’t change his mind when sober.

“Just kind of?” Eren asked.

“Well, you’re cute as you are but when you are angry you’re a different kind of cute. Usually, you look more like a person not like a weird meme.”

Eren was blushing. He had thought of so many lines, so many moves he could pull off. But suddenly his mind was blank. All he could think about was how Levi said that he found him cute. Repeatedly.

He never imagined that things would move forward so fast. Or maybe it wasn’t moving forward at all and Levi was just drunk.

“God, I hate parties,” Levi said suddenly. “Why the hell am I here?”

He took a long sip from his glass. Eren blinked. Levi sure was drinking fast. His boulevardier was almost gone.

“You just got tricked.”

Levi was once again looking him straight in the eyes. This time Eren couldn’t take it and lowered his eyes.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I have to drink all Erwin’s company’s expensive whisky. To get my revenge.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t drink so much,” Eren said slowly. “It’s really strong.”

“I saw you staring at me, brat. You were just looking for an excuse to drink with me. Alone.”

Shit. Shit. Levi wasn’t saying it in a flirty tone anymore. It was rather cold.

“Is it bad that I want to have a drink with you alone?” Eren asked trying his best to stay calm and seductive without showing that actually, he was panicking.

His hands, firmly holding the drink until now, were starting to shake.

“Not that bad. But...” Eren hated that word so much. “Even though I must say you’re very cute, I am very particular about the people I date. Or do anything with. Sorry but...”

Eren took a deep breath and gathered all his courage and confidence.

“So you just have high standards,” he interrupted. “That’s okay. Just tell me how and I will meet them,” he said looking straight at Levi.

It was hard to read Levi at this moment. He looked like he was both impressed and glad that Eren said those things.

“And who said that a brat like you can even meet them?” Levi said with a mysterious smug on his face.

“I do. I will meet your standards so hard you will fall in love with me before you even notice what is happening,” Eren swore seriously.

“You don’t even know me.”

“Not yet.”

Eren was desperate not to break the eye contact. It was the moment. Now he should show Levi his determination and focus just on him. Without looking he put his drink on the coffee table.

Suddenly, something fell.

They both turned to look at the coffee table. Eren’s drink managed to push a flower vase off the table. It landed on the carpet spilling the water all over it.

Eren rushed to checked the vase that luckily wasn’t broken. But still, the carpet got wet.

“Wait a sec, I’ll clean it up, “ Eren said, putting the vase and the flowers in a safe place and opting for Erwin’s desk this time.

“Tch, “ Levi seemed doubtful that Eren could clean even small water stain on a carpet. “I’m not letting you clean it by yourself. Kids your age would rather ruin the carpet instead of cleaning it. Where does Shitbrows keep his cleaning supplies?” Levi asked.

“I don’t think he has any. In the corridor there is a cleaning staff closet,” Eren answered. “And I know how to clean, you know.”

“Let’s go, “ Levi decided, completely ignoring Eren’s last words.

Eren sighed. The moment was ruined. He was hopeful for few seconds but Levi seemed to be too drunk to care about him and his desperate attempts to seduce him.

He stood up and led Levi to cleaning supply closet. If there was so little hope he should at least clean up properly so Erwin’s carpet won’t be ruined. He was already feeling guilty every time he walked into his office, he didn’t need a smelly carpet to remind him even more about the failure he was.

  He opened the door and started to look for some products appropriate for cleaning the carpets.

“I know it was just water but since it was from flowers it probably got a little dirty so we should wash it properly, using few kinds of detergents. Sorry, I will try to do it fast, “ he apologized to Levi while picking up few bottles.

Levi stared at him in shock.

“What did you just say?” he asked.

“That it was just water but we have to clean it properly?” Eren repeated, not sure why did it surprise Levi so much.

“You want to wash a carpet. With detergents. Multiply detergents. Because there was water that was almost clear spilled over it.”

Eren knew that it was weird. But that was how his mother raised him. She was always complaining about him getting himself and everything around him dirty and forced him to clean up every time.

“Sorry if it’s weird. But if the water was old or the flowers were not well-cut the carpet may smell later so...”

Suddenly, he was being pushed back at the wall of cleaning supply closet. Bottles of cleaning products he was holding fell on the ground. Before he realized what was going on, Levi’s lips were covering his own in a forceful kiss. Eren didn’t look into it he just gave in to the touch and let Levi kiss him.

It was everything Eren dreamed of. Levi was dominating the kiss, letting Eren be completely lost in it. At the same time, he was strangely tender which made Eren’s heartbeat go even faster.

It was amazing until, suddenly, Levi tried to get away. Eren grabbed him and pulled him closer, kissing him harder than before, in a more heated way.

After that, they just kept kissing. Eren had no idea how long there were inside the closet but he just hoped that he won’t ever leave it.

Even drunk, Levi was a godly kisser. He made Eren forget about the world and even his doubts.

They could probably go on like that until the morning if they weren’t interrupted by the squealing in the corridor.

“Oh my god!” Hanji shrieked with excitement. “What’s going on here?!”

Levi drew back. Eren was already missing the other’s man touch. He was breathing heavily, trying to calm down.

“We were cleaning the carpet, Four Eyes.”

“Aww, “ Hanji was gushing. “That’s so romantic!”

“Shut up. Brat, grab that bowl and things you dropped. We are cleaning it before it dries.”

Eren blinked. It seemed that the moment of being close to Levi was over. It was gone as abruptly as it started. But he made out with Levi. He did it. He smiled broodily. It was the first step.

“Hurry up!” Levi rushed him harshly, taking a bottle of some cleaning supplies from a shelf and leaving.

“So, Erwin was worried, But I see you two were pretty okay on your own.”

“Yes, we were. But then the annoying Four Eyed Witch came and ruined all the fun.”

“Don’t mind me! I’m up for some show if you two want to continue!”

“No way.”

“Leeeeeevi, kiss Eren, please, please, please. I won’t tell Erwin I promise!”

Suddenly Eren remembered about Erwin. He gasped. He had probably made out with an engaged man. Moreover, engaged to his boss who was in the same building, just a few floors down.

He looked at Levi. He did look drunk but not very troubled. Eren didn’t like it. The way Levi neglected Erwin and apparently didn’t care about cheating in the slightest made him angry.

“Hanji, go away or I’ll call Moblit to come and get you.”

“Fine, I’m going. But I want details! I want to know everything, my little friend, EVERYTHING! Sizes, factures, the intensity of...”

“Go or I will throw you out the window,” Levi threatened calmly. “But before that, I’ll pay a visit to your lab and destroy it.”

“Okay, okay, I’m gone. Enjoy yourselves!”

She left, humming some cheerful melody.

Levi groaned and laid down on the couch. He was watching closely as Eren started to clean.

Now, Eren was fighting with his mixed feelings. He didn’t know what to think about Levi.

Levi was hot, cool, badass with a body from his wildest fantasies. What is more, he could cook like a god. But apparently, he was also a drunk, heartless asshole.

“Show me,” Levi demanded from the couch.

“What?”

“Show me how you clean it.”

Eren sighed. Maybe there had to be something obvious there that he was missing until now. After all Jean didn’t act like Eren was a danger to his friend’s relationship, Hanji was acting weird as usual, maybe there was another person? Maybe Erwin was engaged to someone else and that’s why Jean was so supportive and Hanji was even more supportive?

He probably should just ask.

It was perfect timing. He was cleaning what could happen?

He kept on scrubbing a carpet so deeply focused on his own thoughts he was only from time to time glancing at Levi. It wasn’t until he switched to another bottle and started foaming the carpet vigorously that he was disturbed by a long, dreamy sigh. A sound that he didn’t expect to hear from the man on the couch.

“That’s so fucking hot,” Levi stated.

“Foam?” Eren asked doubtfully.

“You cleaning,” Levi explained with a long yawn. “When you’re done, we are so making out again.”

Eren stared at him. Jean was right. Levi was crazy. But still, he made him blush and smile shyly. His heart was thumping like wild in his chest. Levi liked him. At least a little bit.

“Okay,” he managed to answer and got back to cleaning.

Minutes passed in silence. Eren tried to concentrate on cleaning. When he was finally done, he glanced at Levi.

Levi was sleeping.

All of the sudden Eren thought about no more chances to kiss Levi and immediately rose and basically run to the couch.

“Levi?” he tried waking him up.

No response. He said his name once again, this time poking his arm a little bit.

“Go away, Mama Erbear. I hate you,” Levi muttered.

Eren sighed. Levi was just too cute when sleeping. Eren brought cleaning supplies back to the storage room and when he got back he tried waking up Levi once again. It was futile.

He drowned another glass of whisky by himself, analyzing situation he has gotten himself into.

First, somehow Levi turned over and his leg ended up in Eren’s lap. Next time Levi turned, his knee hit Eren hard in the stomach so Eren was forced to move in between Levi’s tighs. Finally, after finishing the second glass of whisky in the dark room, he decided to just give up on trying to sit straight and he collapsed on Levi.

It took him just a few minutes to fall asleep.


	7. The Legendary Potato Salad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!   
>  ｍ(｡≧Д≦｡)ｍ
> 
> I know I disappeared for a month but my life was so crazy. I came to a conclusion that I don't like my master's course (so I kind of dropped out/took a gap year/whatever), tried to balance to my job and a new internship. And some other things.
> 
> Anyway sorry, I'm still alive and probably will be in foreseeable future. I will just have less time to write and update. I have this thing written a few chapters ahead so it should be okay. 
> 
> Thanks so much for all the comments and kudos! 
> 
> Special thanks for Nads who keeps commenting on every chapter and it really means a lot to me!
> 
> °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°
> 
> Oh, and I hope the new ship isn't much of a surprise.

Being woken up by his boss, after falling asleep on a couch on the person that possibly was the said boss’s fiancé and also was the person that had kissed Eren before going to sleep must have been the most traumatic and embarrassing experience in Eren’s adulthood.

“Sorry to wake you up, Eren, “ Erwin whispered. “But it’s almost two a.m. and I’m taking Levi home. Be careful, we shouldn’t wake him up. Maybe you would like a ride home?”

“No, I’m okay it’s...” Eren whispered back.

“Are you sure? We live close and I know night buses are terrible.”

Eren was tempted. He assessed his situation and his hate for the night buses. It was particularly hard when he was half-asleep. He wanted to lay down for a little bit more and that clouded his judgment making it impossible to take anything else into consideration. He nodded slowly.

“Okay.”

“Great, just remember to be quiet, Levi has trouble sleeping so I really don’t want him to wake up.”

Eren watched as Erwin lifted up Levi without any trouble. It looked a little bit grotesque since the difference in their heights was almost like from some bad comedy. He doubted that if Levi was conscious he would let this situation happen, especially he would never allow being carried around bridal style by Erwin. It looked way too ridiculous.

He quietly followed Erwin to the elevator and then the car. He was still half asleep so he didn’t really think about what was going on. He dozed off in the backseat after giving Erwin his address.

Somehow he woke up with Levi’s head in his lap. Erwin didn’t mind.

In the blur of half-consciousness, he decided that there was no way those two were engaged. He also decided to ask Erwin something but in the morning he wasn’t sure if he really did or just wanted to and it was all a dream.

“Erwin, I like Levi so much. Do you think he’ll like me back?”

“Quiet, Eren, don’t wake him up.”

“But, Erwin...!” he pouted.

“Eren,” Erwin suddenly sounded like a dad. Not his actual dad, respected doctor Grisha Jeager, but just a dad. Or maybe even more like a carrying but strict mom. “That’s up to Levi to decide.”

Eren sighed loudly.

“Fine,” Erwin unexpectedly took pity on him. “I’ll see what I can do to help you.”

“Thanks, Erwin, you’re a great mom,” Eren smiled.

Probably it wasn’t real, especially the last part. He couldn’t imagine calling Erwin a mom and what is more asking him to help him get together with his own fiancé in real life. When Eren woke up in the morning he was almost sure it was just a crazy dream.

His head hurt. His mind hurt. The light was evil.

But Mikasa was the worst.

“Eren. I see you had fun last night.”

Eren hated how she always entered his room without permission. Especially when she shouldn’t. Or when he needed to just lie down, hide from the world and die, like just right now.

He pulled the familiar cover over his head but it didn’t stop her.

“I brought you aspirin and water.”

All of a sudden Mikasa wasn’t so bad at all. He took an effort and sat up to take pills and drink a lot of water. He looked around. He was in his own room. He didn’t remember how he got here but was glad he did.

“You’re godsent.”

“And you shouldn’t drink so much. We’re not twenty anymore, Eren. We can’t handle alcohol as well as we could when we were younger.”

“I’m still young and beautiful, Mikasa.”

“No, you’re not. I will leave you to your suffering now. But when we wake up, you need to explain why you were carried here like a princess at almost 2 a.m. by a giant Captain America. “

“I was what?”

“Oh, you want to explain now? Is he the man you have been stalking?”

“No, he’s...” he was so dead. “He’s his friend. Probably.”

“Good. Because he had a big ass engagement ring on a finger. So who was he? And why you ended up being carried like that?”

“Marketing Director,” he admitted hoping she wouldn’t connect the dots.

“Wait. The boss that you want to steal boyfriend from?! Wait no, the ring, you want to steal his fiancé and he’s carrying you into our apartment like a bride at 2 a.m.?!” Mikasa was pissed. “Explain now or I’m calling mom.”

Eren shivered. He really wanted to have time to think it through, focus and analyze last night. Not only to tell Mikasa something that actually made sense but also for his own sake. His head was seriously killing him now and he was not in the state to make any logical conclusions. And calling his mother would make everything just worse. Much worse.

“So yesterday Erwin, the Captain America, showed up with this ring. And Levi, the guy I’m crushing on by his side. And I was sad so I got trashed. But it turned out that I know their friend and when I talked to that guy there were some hints that they are not actually together so...”

“Who’s the guy?”

Eren took a deep breath.

“Pony,” he confessed.

“You believed something that horse hinted?! Eren! He could be just making fun of you! Are you even serious?!”

Her yells were far too loud for Eren’s hurting head. But judging from the rage he could see in Mikasa’s eyes there was no way he could escape this conversation now.

“Wait!” he urged her. “I didn’t! But then things happened! Somehow I ended up with drunk Levi in Erwin’s office and we kissed and it was so hot, and no one seemed to mind and...”

Mikasa gave him a look. It didn’t mean anything good.

“You kissed a stranger.”

“Technically, he kissed me, “ Eren got defensive. “And it’s not like you’ve never kissed a stranger. At least I knew his name! Can you tell that about all the guy that you made out with?!”

He shouldn’t have yelled. The pain was insufferable.

“Eren. If you don’t get yourself in order by Christmas, I’m telling mum. This situation is not good for you.”

“Screw you, Mikasa, Christmas is in three days!”

“I just want what’s best for you, Eren. And going psycho stalker over a guy who has a fiancé, drunk seducing him and possibly destroying a happy couple just because a horse hinted that they may not be a couple isn’t good at all.”

 

***

 

Few hours later he was finally back to life. He decided to visit Sasha and Connie and get some advice. And also, apologize to Sasha for leaving her all alone. It turned out that Sasha didn’t mind and she spent most of her evening eating with Queen Historia. They really hit it off, they exchanged numbers and Sasha promised Krista a discount for potatoes and was set on planning a special kid’s menu.

When Eren came over, as usual, he sat in the kitchen corner of Attack on Potato making their work more enjoyable with his whining.

“And he fell asleep! Even though he said I’m hot! I must not be hot enough to keep him awake!”

“Dude, don’t worry, he was just drunk,” Connie tried to calm him down.

“So this is how our relationship will look like?! I will just come over, try to be sexy and he will fall asleep in the middle?”

“Eren, you were cleaning carpet,” Sasha reminded him. “Aside from showing your ass around, that’s not really sexy. Unless you did some sensual scrubbing.”

“Eren is clumsy as fuck, there is no way he could be sexy while cleaning,” Mina, a waitress that Sasha and Connie hired almost a year ago, mentioned in passing. “I don’t think I would even let you clean something of mine, you would just screw it up.”

Eren glared at her cute face with rage. If they weren’t in a crowded kitchen she would be so dead. She accused him of not being able to clean. He could live with that. Many people didn’t believe that he was actually good at keeping things tidy. But he could not take her criticizing his sexiness, especially now when he was right in the middle of the most important pick up of his life.

“I am sexy. You just don’t see it.”

“Bro, you made out with a guy you have been tracking down for months!” Connie realized. “How was the kissing?”

Eren’s bad mood instantly disappeared. He thought about Levi and Levi’s mouth on his. It was pure bliss.

“Awesome,” he said.

Sasha finished her legendary potato salad. She filled few smaller bowls and passed one to Eren and took another one for herself. Connie just smiled and let her take a break. He knew both her and Eren were addicted to this salad and needed to eat it at least a few times a week.

“So, Eren. What’s the plan now?” Sasha asked before she started devouring her potatoes.

“I don’t know but I need to think fast. Mikasa gave me a deadline till 24th. I need to figure it out or she’s telling mom.”

Thomas, another part-timer, stopped on his way for a salad just to say:

“You’re almost twenty-six, you have a job, steady income, friends, apartment, everything. What your mom can do to you?”

“Everything, man,” Eren retorted.

“Yeah, moms can make your life a living hell if they want,” Connie agreed. “Like mine. She’s so little but when she’s pissed she’s turning into a titan a destroying everything. So, what is the plan, Eren? Today is almost over so you already are in deep shit.”

“I was hangover, okay? Kind of hard to think when your head hurts and just being alive is suffering.”

“You should call the horse boy,” Sasha decided. “And ask him two things: is your devil imp taken by someone who is not you and if he has some of devil imp’s recipes.”

“And ask him for the devil imp number,” added Connie.

Eren sighed.

“Guys. He’s not that short.”

“He is,” Sasha claimed and everyone seemed to believe rather her, not Eren. “But he’s very handsome!” she added under pressure of Eren glare.

Later that night Eren tried texting Jean but that asshole didn’t even read his message. In the morning he tried calling but after picking up Jean didn’t even let him speak, just told him he’s busy packing gifts and whatever Eren wants something, he should call later.

But when he called later, it wasn’t Jean who picked up.

“Hi, Eren!” Krista answered in a cheerful voice. “Jeapa is driving a car and we are friends now so he let me answer!”

“Oh, hi, Krista,” Eren tried to hide the disappointment in his voice. “How was the party?”

“Great! I danced so much!”

“Of course! Everybody wanted to dance with such a pretty queen.”

“I’m not that pretty,” Krista answered, probably blushing.

Suddenly, there was a sharp sound, like the phone forcibly changed it’s owner. Before he realized what was going on, Eren was being yelled at.

“You’re twenty years too early and way too gay to be flirting with my daughter, Jeager!”

Jean’s next murder threats were cut off by someone with great authority and a warm, soothing voice.

“Jean, you’re driving, give me the phone.”

Once again, the phone was passed to another person. Eren sighed. He was so screwed.

“Sorry, about Jean, Mr. Jeager.”

“He’s no mister, ‘Min, don’t call him that!” Eren could hear Jean in the background.

“Just Eren is fine and I’m sitting next to him so I got used to it. So... you are the legendary boyfriend?”

“Yes...? I don’t feel really legendary but I hope Jean doesn’t have other boyfriends?”

“I don’t!” Jean said, once again, loud enough for Eren to hear.

“That’s great, honey, keep it up this way,” the boyfriend praised him with a large dose of sarcasm.

Oh god. Eren had a feeling that it was just a beginning. Jean was dating a sass queen. Eren was in mesmerized. That was so great. He couldn’t wait to meet Jean’s boyfriend in person.

“Wait, is he the guy who calls you a horse?”

Jean mumbled something that didn’t reach Eren’s ears.

“Wow,” the boyfriend was impressed. “Anyway, thanks for the present last year. One of the best, the funniest gifts I’ve ever got.”

Eren almost forgot about it. Back then he thought it was extremely ridiculous and horse jokes were rather new. So he bought a related gift and asked Jean to pass it on to his boyfriend on Christmas.

It was some equestrian equipment. Including cheap saddle and a harness. And a horse brush.

“I...I’m glad you liked it. Jean wouldn’t talk to me for weeks after so I thought I went kind of too far.”

“Oh, he was just embarrassing. Fortunately, we didn’t open it on Christmas with his parents but when we were having dinner with our friends. They still make fun of him being a horse and...” Jean interrupted him to say something. “I love you too, my brave stallion. Anyway, we had a lot of fun with the harness so don’t worry about it.”

“What.”

“I said we had a lot of fun with your gift. And I mean a lot,” he emphasized in a very suggestive way.

That was not why Eren bought this gift. He stared at his room wall in a blank expression.

That was not why he bought the gift. He wanted to piss Jean off and embarrass him. Now he was extremely embarrassed. Shit, he thought about how they could have used the harness. He didn’t like it at all.

That was the power of Jean’s boyfriend. That man was incredible. Why was he a dentist when with that tactic skills he could rule the world?

“Jean wants me to put you on speaker, Eren,” the boyfriend said. “He seems really stressed, don’t mind him.”

“JEAGER,” suddenly Jean’s raging voice was loud. “I will let you pass me the worst deals for a month if you forget what he just said.”

“Jeapa, what did Daddy say wrong?” Krista asked. “We had all had so much fun! That you for the gift, Eren!”

Before Eren’s imagination could run wild, the boyfriend explained in a kind voice.

“We gave her the saddle, she makes her big bear Arnold wear it and carry rabbit queen Caroline around.”

“And it’s so cool!” Krista exclaimed.

“Jeager, what do you say?!” Jean got impatient.

Eren took few deep breaths to calm down. He was balancing between being shocked, frightened and wanting to burst into laughter. But even in this state, he could see an opportunity.

“You know what I want, Jean. And it’s not clients or deals.”

“No way. I’m not going against grumpy demon for you. ‘Min, stop. Your smile is creepy.”

“But Jean,” his boyfriend whined. “He gave me equestrian equipment! Levi liked my equestrian equipment!”

“That doesn’t make them a good couple.”

“But I want them together.”

“Hold your horses, you-”

Eren, the boyfriend and Krista burst into laughter. Eren knew it was stupid but he couldn’t stop for a good few minutes. And he had to be loud because Mikasa knocked on his door and asked him if he was okay.

“Shut up, all of you!”

“But Jeapa! You said ‘horses’,” Krista giggled.

“It’s not funny!”

“Jean, you’re so cute,” the boyfriend insisted.

“Jeager. You have a bad influence on my family. Back to the topic, if you forget about that thing, I will mention you in front of Levi. And if he asks I will give him your number. But only if he willingly asks.”

“Don’t worry, Eren!” Krista said. “Me and Daddy will make sure Uncle Levi knows you like him very much!”

“Thanks,” Eren smiled.

Most of his friends were tired of his whining and they weren’t as excited about the news from the party as they should be. It was nice to have some new, eager supporters.

“So... I know you’re both busy with Christmas but I don’t want him to forget about me and...” Eren tried not to sound too pushy.

“Oh, don’t worry, we’re on our way to Levi and Erwin’s right now. So probably you’ll know the answer pretty soon, I will make Jean text you,” the boyfriend promised.

“Thanks.”

Jean complained a little bit more but soon, they said their goodbyes. Even though, with his knowledge about what happened with equestrian equipment he bought, he feared that meeting Jean’s boyfriend in person would be awkward, he wanted to meet him. They seemed like an awesome family. Minus horseface of course.

He tried to occupy himself for a few hours. He tried to use Mikasa’s work out equipment, then he tried to bake muffins. They turned out horrible. He wouldn’t give them even to Jean.

He blamed it on stress and the fact that constantly he caught himself staring at his phone waiting for Jean’s text instead of concentrating on the dough.

Since all he tried to do in the afternoon turned out to be a failure, Mikasa sat him down in front of the TV with her and forced him to knit. It was the only thing he wouldn’t screw up, no matter what was going on in his life.  After all, he’s been knitting regularly since he was eight years old.

It was not like Mikasa actually needed another scarf. But it was her ultimate method of calming him down. When Eren was a kid, his mom taught him how to knit in hopes that it would help with his anger issues. It worked out well and taught him patience. However, his patience came along with persistence and now Eren was never giving up.

Knitting was his safe space. Whenever times were difficult or he wanted to do something personal for someone, he would knit. All his friends had sweaters made by him. That’s how Mikasa got her favorite red scarf, just after Eren’s parents adopted her.

In the beginning, it was hard for them to spend time together. Back then Mikasa didn’t talk much and Eren felt awkward about the whole situation where suddenly she became his sister. Being a raging, angry and violent eight years old he couldn’t just say straight to her face that he cares about her so he knitted her a scarf and Mikasa immediately understood.

Probably, tonight Mikasa thought, he would be calming down while knitting. She wasn’t entirely wrong, however little did she knew how much in common her red scarf had with the scarf he was currently making.

Back then, he couldn’t talk openly to Mikasa so he made a scarf. This time he couldn’t talk to his crush at all so he made a scarf. But probably this scarf would never make it to its rightful owner.

He didn’t tell that to Mikasa but because he had a lot of trouble lately dealing with the canned-devilish-imp-being-in-relationship-with-his-boss situation. And now a scarf in a bluish shade of silver was almost done. By the time Mikasa decided to leave him alone and go to sleep around ten, he was just adding some final touches to it.

“It’s a nice scarf. You can give it to dad tomorrow,” she suggested.

“No way. Dad gets that ugly glasses case I bought on discount.”

Mikasa sighed.

“I’m going to sleep and you should too. Mom wants us to be there early tomorrow.”

“Fine. You shower first.”

“Okay.”

Eren calmly finished the scarf. He expected Jean to call or text by now. He was a little bit disappointed.

A few minutes later, his phone finally rang. He grabbed it as fast as he could and froze in the spot.

It wasn’t Jean. It was an unknown number.

His heart was about to jump out from his chest when he pressed the green button. And then it suddenly stopped when beating when he heard the voice he was hoping to hear.

“Hey, brat, it’s Levi, you know, the guy you made out with in the supply closet the day before yesterday. The Little Pony here insists that you want to talk to me again, so how about twenty minutes from now in the park, near the bridge? And if you are allergic to dogs or hate them, we’re through.”

“I like dogs,” that was the only thing Eren managed to say.

“Good. See you in twenty.”


End file.
